The DRESS!

So, I'm a big lady. And I have been my whole life, so I wasn't too surprised that I started dreading wedding dress shopping from the moment we got engaged. It's not that I hate shopping, sometimes I even enjoy it, but I never really enjoy looking at myself in clothes. I usually pick very neutral wardrobe pieces so that I can stay comfortable and more or less out of the very critical eye of the general public. I am not sure, honestly, if this comes from being overweight or if it comes from a deeper, more personality-based desire to not be the center of attention. I never knew I had this shyer side to me. I mean, anyone who knows me, even slightly, knows that I've got a big mouth and I'm rarely afraid to share my opinion. I also have a job that involves 20-30 adolescents staring at me all day... I actually AM the center of attention (at least that's the way I'd like to think it's going in my classroom- haha!). But... I am seriously uncomfortable with the idea of people staring at me. I know that the stereotypical adage is that all women look beautiful on their wedding day, but I was just terrified to think of all eyes on me as I walked down the aisle, danced around... it freaked me out a lot.

What freaked me out more was the idea of all this going on while I wore a 20 pound, big, poofy dress. I had already decided years ago when I went wedding dress shopping with a friend for her wedding that I wasn't into a white dress. The white of wedding dresses is an unparalleled whiteness. You know when you go outside during the winter and it's really sunny out and the snow sparkles so hard that you go blind for a moment. The white of wedding dresses is akin to that... but poofier. I'm not saying that white wedding dresses aren't beautiful. They are. That almost-blind thing is really actually sort of breathtaking, but it's also totally not me. The whole rest of the wedding is very country-classic - barn venue and whatnot - so I automatically decided on ivory. Okay, one decision made - and without even having to go to the store!

Then I started thinking about the whole poofiness thing. And the whole princessy, ball-gown thing. Again - these dresses are beautiful. And when I tried some like that on, I really did feel like royalty for a moment. It was a cool feeling, and it really made me feel like a bride in a way I hadn't yet felt... but, still, not me. Before I jump into the stores and me trying dresses on and everything, I should tell you the real story of what happened.

So, you've already gleaned from this blog that I'm a total internet-addict, especially when it comes to research. I found everything for our wedding through reviews, endless Google searches, and sites like theknot.com as well. One day, I was on theknot and they had a little featurette about how popular tea-length wedding dresses are becoming. As I clicked through the pictures, I realized that I was in love with the idea of a tea-length wedding dress. It would be a)less than 20 pounds, b)easy to dance and to move in*, c)in keeping with the more laid-back vibe of the venue, and d)vintage-loveliness. In an amazing flash of fate and wedding magic, there was a dressmaker on the site who does custom dresses, which means that they're totally able to make one in a.... ahem... less than "standard" size.

Unfortunately, these dresses are expensive. Not at first, really, because you see the base price and you think "Well, it costs more than the cake and about as much as two months worth of car payments, but it's less than a month's rent." At least you think that way if you're me, which may be weird, I grant you, but it's how my brain works. But then you add on the customizations, like custom measurements, and... SLEEVES**!! (And hey, why not a row of buttons at this point...) and it really adds up.

So, between the cost of this lovely dress and the utter insistence of my matron of honor that we go dress shopping in a real store where I could actually try on this very important outfit, I agreed to go to the "Bridal District" in Cincinnati (where we found several of our vendors) and go store to store trying on big, poofy dresses. Since I was being required to go, I made the best of it. And... I'm happy to report that I had a freaking blast. All of the stores had much more plus-sized selection than I anticipated they would and it was REALLY fun to play dress-up behind closed doors. But... when I looked at the pictures we'd taken*** when I got home, I just didn't feel like me. Look here, is this me? I don't know... maybe it is. In bringing up the picture from my email again now and posting it, I can't help but smile. I really do look cute in a way, and this definitely do like this dress more than others I tried on that were much poofier and much less me. (Please note, this dress is a size or two too small, but we managed to zip it, so if it looks like I'm not breathing... there's a reason for that!)

After a lot of anxiety and crying - yes, crying - I made the decision to order the dress from the internet that I couldn't really afford. It was a really hard choice to make. I felt really under a time crunch because you're supposed to order your wedding dress while you're picking out your first day of school outfit in first grade and I was also anxious about not being able to try the internet dress on. The company I was purchasing from does have showrooms in LA and NYC, but adding one of those trips on top of the cost of the dress made it even less reasonable. And, I'm going to say this even though I feel a bit bad about it, some of the crying was also because my mom and I have/had very different ideas of what I should be doing with some of the decisions for the wedding, including this one. But finally, with my supportive, amazing guy by my side, I made a decision. He told me to do whatever I wanted and let everyone else sort out their ideas on their own. So... I just bit the bullet and ordered the dress.

One of the funniest moments of our engagement came when it was time to take my measurements for the dress. The company sent us REALLY detailed information about where to take measurements, so James and I took on the job in our living room. It was early June and really hot, so I was sweaty and the measuring tape kept slipping on my skin. James kept inadvertently tickling me and we were both just giggling at the silliness of the situation. But... this felt like me. The person getting trussed up and laced in and assisted in big, huge, princessy dresses, not me. The person getting the measuring tape stuck to her armpit? Totally me. It's embarrassing but true, and I own it.

So, the measurements went off. They had a question, I answered it. I checked the status of my online order weekly to see when it was coming in. And then, a call from my mom: "Guess what came in the mail today?" In just six-seven weeks, my wedding dress had been created! I met my parents and stole away the box, refusing to let anyone even peek at it until I could see it alone. I tried it on by myself, which was a hilarious incident which involved me pulling the zipper up halfway from underneath and then damn near pulling my arm out of its socket pulling the zipper from up top. Then, while I was halfway in and sweating enough to ruin the damn dress, my cat Henry got the tape from the delivery box stuck to his foot and I had to chase him through the apartment trying to free him... in my freaking wedding dress.

I'll be honest. And this is hard, internet, so be nice: I don't love my dress... yet. James and I took my measurements true-to-size, so the dress looks a little bulky now. It has a lot of structure in the bodice and needs to be taken in. I think I also want to have a layer of petticoat taken out of the skirt because that sister is as poofy as any of her longer, whiter, fancier cousins and I need to tame that mess a little. Otherwise, though, I like-like my dress. I might be loving it soon, but for now it's sitting in its practical little black garment bag in my closet (taking up about 1/6 of my closet, I might add), waiting for the ONE day I'm ever going to wear it. That's still a weird concept for me (especially considering the almost-unmentionable amount of $$ it cost), but I'm getting more and more excited.

I still haven't decided on the whole veil scenario, but I am definitely wearing blue shoes. I bought them and sent them off to be dyed last week. The shoes, at least, I feel sure about... maybe the rest will come? We'll see!


*Like going to the bathroom... by myself! I have no desire to have my wedding party holding up my dress while I pee... this would make me feel decidedly less like a princess.
**Why "SLEEVES" and not "sleeves"? I'll be brutally honest in a way I'm not sure you're supposed to be on the internet. I. hate. my. arms. Out of all my flabby body parts, they're often my least favorite. Ever wonder why I'm always in a wrap or cardigan? Besides the clothing industry's seeming inability to make a decent 3/4 length sleeved t-shirt, it's because I. hate. my. arms. So... being able to add SLEEVES to my dress automatically crossed a HUGE worry off my "things I will be forced to accept about wedding dresses that I would rather die than deal with" list.
***These were only at two stores, though, because several stores wouldn't allow us to take pictures... Stupid policy, really, but I SORT OF understand why they have it.